Office Space

I had an interesting morning. Since I had to wait until noon for the poker room to open, and any idle time might mean unbridled eating, I decided to jump on Facebook. It's always a good time to see what pictures my friends have posted, or to look at some quizzes people have taken. Fun time for all involved. While on there I started chatting with a friend of mine who thought I should read a book by Tucker Max. I told her I would definitely check it out.

Since it was only 9:30 am or so I decided a trip to the bookstore would be the perfect excuse for not going to work out. See, since I've started my "new lifestyle" diet it has been extremely difficult to actually work out. It's very easy to say you're committing to it, but very difficult to really do it. So, this bookstore trip fits very nicely into my morning. My supportive spouse has told me she will get up with me in the morning, before she gets ready for work, to go to the gym. That's pretty darn special, so, I hope that problem is solved. She's a good woman who takes much better care of me than I deserve. I know this, and I appreciate it very much. But, onto my interesting morning.

I drove to Barnes and Noble, which is normally about 20 minutes from my home. This morning took a bit longer though since IT HAS BEEN RAINING HERE FOR 24 STRAIGHT HOURS! No problems though, not in any hurry, no need to be impatient. Just relax and drive to the bookstore. Of course, once I arrive there are no parking spaces anywhere near the door. I mean, come on, is everybody going to Barnes and Noble when it rains. Don't you people have jobs?

I walk inside, and I see there are an awful lot of older folks, and I start to think maybe I'm the weird one here. But, no matter, cause I really don't care. So, I start to look for this book by the author, since I have no rememberance of the title. I'm searching along, A,B,C, move faster the M's are way further up, up to the M's, and nope, can't find his name. Great, now I have to go talk to the guy behind the counter, and he always walks away from me whenever I approach (I like Barnes and Noble).

Before I can go to him I start to think I could use my wife's LIBRARY CARD to get the book for FREE! Genius!!! Probably save myself twenty bucks! I walk outside while calling Michelle, she says come on to her work and get the card, and then the indecision sets in. Should I see if they have it here so I don't have to stop if the library doesn't have it? I mean, I'm here, why not see if they have it and what it costs? (turn around and head back in). Halfway back I start to think about the guy behind the counter, and all the older folks inside, and how wet I'm getting, and how ridiculous I'll look walking back in there pretty wet, and then I say screw it (turn around head back to car).

Now I'm really wet. my hair is wet, my jacket is wet, but my shirt is dry. See? Not so bad, just take off the jacket and let's get that free book. I drive to Michelle's workplace, and the roads suck, really bad. If this is any indication of this years hurricane season then I want NONE of it. People refuse to drive any faster than 25 miles an hour when it rains here. They would absolutely dry up and die during an upstate new york winter. IT"S RAINING! THAT"S ALL! GO JACKASS!

But no, I'm cool, this is not a bother, cause I'm in no hurry whatsoever. Just relax and pay attention in case some dumb ass decides to pull out in front of you. Turn right on sunbeam road, and head past the old landfill. The city filled it in when it was too full of trash, the likes of which I dare not think of, and then sold the land to someone who decided it was a great place for a golf course. Thanks, but no. I think I'll restrict my cancer causing activities to using microwave ovens and taking in copius amount of Splenda. Maybe I'll risk it one day because they say it's the highest point in Duval County and that you can see clear to downtown.

I believe I was still thinking about the landfill golf course, and clearly not paying attention for retarded motorists, because I drove right by the street Michelle works on. I deserve a little slack though because it's kind of hidden if you're not looking for it, but being there 20 times should make up for that, you would think anyway. So, drive over the railroad tracks, and a train better not be coming because I thought I heard a whistle earlier. If I get stuck on the other side of these tracks, waiting on a train, that I had no reason to wait on, I would be pist. The trains in this part of town go about 30 mph, and take FOREVER to pass. But, there isn't one and I complete the U-turn with no trouble whatsoever. No worries here, it's all good. Yes, I am a moron, but I want that book, and for free.

I call Michelle, and I park right in front of the building, illegally, and hop out of the car to wait for her. It's still pouring, and I duck under the facade to stay dry, but at least she can stay dry too. She comes out and wants me to come upstairs to see the new floor her team has moved into. They went from the first floor to the second, and since she has been telling me every single, solitary, headsplitting detail about this move, I figure I'd better head upstairs, and act like if I miss out on it I would never be able to live with myself. See, sensitivity lives. It's only taken me 19 years of marriage to learn tricks like these. I never said I was smart.

As I follow her upstairs I notice an odd smell, and we walk by a man who is looking at her breasts, no worries though cause I think this guy carries with him the smell. He smelled like a perfect blend of body odor and cigarette smoke, and oh yes, wet dog. See, he was heading outside to have probably his 5th smoke of the morning. Wonderful..

I look at her new floor, and listen to her complain about the space between chairs that her team must navigate as they walk down the aisles. She's right, and she's the manager, and she is frustrated because the placement of the workstations is made at a much higher level. It looks like they are screwing her department by cramming them into too small a space just so an executive can take a trip to Hawaii this Christmas. I don't say all that though, because her workmates are nearby, and no sense giving them ammunition to use in the bitch fest that is Corporate America.

I do notice that her team is mostly African American. I don't even know if that is the correct term any longer, I really don't. I'm sure someone will fill me in, but I usually call people with black skin, black people. It's not a put down, at least not to me. So anyway, her team is mostly made up of black people. This makes me think this is a low paying job. I guess America has a ways to go yet. My wife is a woman, thankfully for me, and she's the manager, so this department gets no money. Awesome, I love Corporate America!

Alright, I kiss her goodbye, and take the library card to find my book. Here is where the first conundrum takes place, and luckily, it all worked out great. Here's what happened. As I'm driving to the library I realize that Lubi's is on the way. For those of you not from Jacksonville, and probably then unfamiliar with Lubi's, it a local fast food restaurant. They have two locations in the city, and one of them is right up here on the right. Lubi's makes a Lubi sub. It's loose, ground beef in some kind of seasonings, with onions, peppers, mushrooms, sour cream, and some sort of sauce all on a soft bun sub roll. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH, they are really good.

I can't stop there though, it's too early for lunch. It's like almost 11, but no, Lubi's are the devil in disguise. I drive on by. Besides there are plenty of places to get good food before I get home, even after I get this damn book. This book had better be good too, or I am not going to be happy. It's still raining. I wish it would stop.

I get to the library, and when I walk in I realize I'm going to have to have help. Shit! The computer says I need a password. Damnit, has anyone ever heard of a card freakin catalog? As I walk towards the ladies at the counter one of them looks up and I can tell by the look on her face, remember I play poker, the discussion with her deskmate, that I am interrupting, is far more important than anything I could possibly need to talk to her about.

"Hi!" I say brightly.

"May I help you?" Her voice feigns helpfulness, but her look is boring a hole through my forehead.

"How do I look up a book, by author?"

"That computer." As she points to where I just was.

"It says I need a password". Duh. Don't you work here. Jesus Christ..

"Not the middle one, the one on the right side." Her tone is now calling me a moron. Of course, I should have known it wasn't the middle computer. How stupid of me. Here's a hundred dollars, sorry for bothering you.

"Oh, my mistake, thanks for your help." I smile and walk away.

I think I hate people. So, I look it up, and sure enough, it's checked out. So, I can either reserve it or just go back to Barnes and Noble. This place sucks, so, I'M OUTTA HERE. I give them a farewell "Thanks soooo much for your help." I'm sure the sarcasm coming from my mouth hit her right in the gullett. Good. Another government employee spending my money not doing a damn thing at her job. She's at the front desk for god's sake! Have some people skills for just one minute, that's all I ask.

It's still raining. This really stinks. Back in the car now, heading south towards the bookstore. I pass by MacDonalds, Wendys, Long John Silver's (pretty bad, but I like fish), and I manage to stop at none of them. Actually, the food is not really an issue. I will pass by all of these again, not including Long John's, plus many other wonderful varieties of crappy food shops after the bookstore but before I get home. No worries, your master will be fed.

Back at the bookstore I walk right up to the guy behind the counter and meaningfully ask him to look up a book for me. He says no problem, and then walks me to where it is located. I guess that's the difference right there between private and public services. Amen to Capitalism. I'm no longer concerned with racism, or sexism, or any other ism. I am happy to have my book. I'm out 17 bucks, but I feel good again.

I convince myself, as I drive the rest of the way home, that if I keep passing up restaurants it may stop raining before I arrive. It never does, and as I pass the last one, a Wendy's, I realize that I have food at my house. When I get home I make a sandwich, and all is right with the world again.

For what it's worth the book looks interesting, and I think I'll enjoy it. But, what made me want to jot this down was I was thinking that maybe a person could train themselves to think of reasons NOT to eat. Just convince yourself to not eat the crap that is forced on you every 2/10ths of a mile. Make a sandwich, save some cash, lose some weight, and save a rain forest. LOL... Listen to me, the activist.