8.16.09

I've been a bit delinquent in keeping up with my daily schedule. In my own defense I have to add that I did not have an internet connection for much of the past few days. That, and the fact that I have been feeling lazy as hell, has added to my falling behind schedule. Nothing of interest regarding poker has happened at all. I haven't played since last Thursday, and it felt good to be away from the game for even a few days.

I had a great time visiting my cousin, Daryl, and his lovely wife Phaedra. She is a good friend of mine, and my cousin could have done a lot worse in picking a bride. They have made friends with some really cool neighbors, and I got to meet most of them over the weekend. Would you believe I saw a woman smoke a cigarette with her toes? Wild group up there in North Carolina.

I also played golf on what is now one of my favorite courses in the world. It's called Irish Creek, and it is located in Kannapolis, NC. Kannapolis is where Dale Earnhardt lived and learned to drive a car. The back roads wind throughout the countryside as they pass from small town to small town. The shoulders of the roads are non existent and I can imagine you would have to be a good driver or learn to drive very slowly on these tricky roads. My cousin drives fine, but needless to say he ain't no Dale E and I was wishing he would slow down. Somehow we made it to the golf course.

Irish Creek is enjoyable because it is in pristine condition. It is a healthy course with rich, full grass everywhere. The greens are smooth and true. The sand traps, or bunkers, are immaculate with firm, light sand. The rough is tricky and gets more difficult the further from the fairway you stray.

Irish Creek's greatest attribute is the fact that it is not a housing development with a golf course. It is a golf course first. There are no homes lining the fairways. You could very easily walk this golf course if need be.

The landscape is very unlike Florida. I come from the land of palm trees and beaches. North Carolina has pine trees and extreme changes in elevation. I love it. I have concluded I am more of a mountain man rather than a beach guy. I feel much better amongst the hills and mountains.

I was thinking about how I love the mountains as I was driving east on interstate 40 between Memphis, Tn. and Statesville, NC. I tried to make sense of the last few days of poker as I drove away from the Mississippi River and towards the Smokey Mountains of Eastern Tennessee. I had not performed well and I was feeling perplexed and confused as to what had occurred.

I felt like I didn't fare as well as I could have while I was in Tunica, Ms. because of two basic reasons. First off, I was card dead. I did not get very many really strong starting hands that I could use to narrow the field and play against one or two other players. Because of this I tended to get impatient as the week wore on. Even so things still were working as planned.

It's almost comical to watch the good players in the game. They are never sure what to make of my style of play. They always start off by trying to push me around with their big bets and aggressive play. I let them for a while, but I'm always searching for an opening to exploit their aggressiveness. I'm sure their first thought is that I am a weak player. Their attitude changes after I have doubled my stack at the expense of their mighty pile of chips.

The thinking players of the group in Tunica did not take long to adjust. They started avoiding me altogether when I entered the pot. Of course, I was able to use this against them as I began to turn up the 'steal' button and take down a couple of nice pots with big pre-flop re-raises. They were giving me too much credit, and I used their adjustments to exploit the situation. Everything was going as planned and I was making good money.

So, what happened?

Well, I think I went on tilt. No, I take that back. I'm sure I went on tilt. The games slowed to a crawl as I folded, folded, and folded some more. I decided to change up my style and see if I could make things happen. I had forgotten my own golden rule which states emphatically "The Fish Do Not Fold, EVER". I started bluffing more often. Sure enough, just as had happened so often in the past, it caught up with me and they took many chips from my stacks.

I wish I could explain what happens to me when I go on tilt. It's not a quantitative thing. If it were then I think I could mathematically figure out how to stop it before it has drained me of a few hundred dollars. I can't figure it out though, not for the life of me. Very often it is the smallest thing that puts me over the edge. It is very discouraging.

There is hope. There has to be hope. It is beginning to look like the only way to stave off the evil tilt monster is to fight back with prescription medication. I'm pretty sure that the tilt I experience at the poker table is due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. It is the same imbalance that causes me to become irritated or angry at the smallest of issues.

This morning, for instance, I became extremely agitated because I could not log into my online banking account. Their servers were down. Frustrating for sure, but nothing to get too worked up over. I did get worked up though, and it bothered me that something so trivial could, well, bother me. How weak am I? Why cannot I not control my feelings? This is exactly the kind of emotion that can spell RUIN for a poker player.

Recognizing TILT after the fact is fine. In fact, I'm sure that 95% of the poker players never even realize they can go on TILT. They either don't realize it happens, or they don't admit it happens. I need to hold TILT at bay while I am playing. I think this is going to require a trip to a doctor.

Is my tilt cause by anger management issues? Maybe. Is it caused by high anxiety? Maybe. Is my tilt brought on by some deep seeded childhood memory that has been suppressed and is trying to fight it's way out of the back parts of my brain? I don't know cause if it were than I wouldn't remember it any way, right? Maybe I should learn transcendental meditation.

One thing I know for sure is that I am very happy to be home again. I've been gone for too long. I wish I could have brought home a sack of money. But, I failed. I failed. I went on TILT and I failed.

Even though I am portraying this week of doom and gloom I still won money. I made a profit for the two weeks I was gone. The apathetic poker player wins money when he can remain apathetic. The emotional poker player gets his ass kicked when his emotions affect his decision making process. I want to be able to be numb at the table, devoid of all emotion. Mr. Spock would have been a ridiculously good poker player.

I wonder if Mr. Spock used xanax?