8.21.09

Today is my wife's birthday. I won't say her age, but she ain't no spring chicken. She takes great care of herself, and looks as good today (in my humble opinion) as she did 25 years ago. It's sort of cool to reflect on the last 25 years and realize we have been together for far more than half of our lives. Emotionally we have both become better people during our time together, and for this I am thankful.

I still have a couple of emotional issues. After 25 years together I still have not overcome my narcissistic tendencies. You see, my dear friends, I forgot the date of my wife's birthday. Actually, I think this mishap was more due to a brain block rather than my being a narcissistic asshole. I, for some unknown reason, thought her birthday fell on August 27th, and not the 21st. Both of my kids birthdays are on the 27th of their birthday months, and I became a bit confused. That is my excuse. So, I was not the first one to wish her a happy birthday this AM. I hope she forgives me. Happy birthday M, from the bottom of my heart. You are a good woman and probably have deserved better the last 25 years. But, you got me, and if I am lucky you will never figure out your mistake.

I've been bluffing her for the past 25 years. Pretty wild, huh? A bluff has a much better chance of working if you can somehow convince yourself that you are not bluffing. If you can accomplish this feat then you will subconsciously give off vibes which say "I've got the goods, you'd better fold" and the bluff will succeed. I think that is what I have done for the past quarter century. I first convinced myself that my bs was real, and M bought it. Sorry sweetie. I hope you can smile.

Let's see, what hair-brained ideas have I come up with that I was sure would work? I was going to be a PGA Tour player. It was a good thought, except that I sucked. After I realized I sucked I also realized the golf business was all about working on weekends and holidays. A schedule like that is rough on a marriage. It did not work out as planned.

At one point I thought I could actually make a living betting on Greyhounds. Thankfully, that one did not cost me too much dough. Boy, was that a bad mistake.

I tried the office thing. I did it for almost 10 years. I worked pretty hard, and got my yearly raise and bonus. I have friends who are still with the company, and they are doing ok. It's funny though because they all complain about not having any money either. I did not like sitting behind a desk all day, and I knew I was not going to be upper level management, so to me it felt like a dead end job. It's not dead-end, of course, it's just life. You go to work, get paid enough to live on, put in your time, and at retirement time you hopefully have some money left to live on. If you're fortunate your savings can grow and you can be well off and able to enjoy your retirement to it's fullest.

I'm quite certain that the passing of my father about 10 years ago had a profound effect on the way I think about life. My dad worked his ass off, just like he was taught to, for his entire life. He then died at the young age of 52 from lung cancer. He never even smoked. Come on, that is bad luck.

His father, my grandpa, died of a heart attack when he was in his fifties. This was back in the 70's and bypass surgeries and stints were just not very common. He worked hard his entire life providing a comfortable living for his family. But, for what?

Some days I'm sure I'll be gone before I reach 60. That is not far off, which means I have very little time to gain the riches necessary for my family to never need to want for money again. Poker seems like a logical path to that end.

Some people say that poker players give nothing back to society. I disagree wholeheartedly. By playing we provide income for dealers, waitresses, bartenders, floor people, cashiers, security guards, middle management, upper management, and finally the owners. Poker players move money. We help to make the economy chug, like a train going up the mountain. We move money around and all of these people benefit from it. Let's also not forget about the tax revenue the state of Florida receives from the poker playing industry. Poker players make ALL of this possible.

All I try to do is pick up a little bit of the cash floating around the poker world each day. I'm sort of treading water with it all, however. I barely make enough to afford our lifestyle, which is not very opulent I might add. Eventually I will win a big enough tournament that it will make a real difference in our lives. That is the plan. Once I have that big chunk of cash I'll start figuring out a way to use it.

If I were to win that big chunk of cash, and I turned around and put a bunch of it on the line in a big stakes poker game, people would surely say I was being irresponsible. If, however, I took the chunk of cash and invested it in the stock market I believe people would say "good work". That's messed up. If you don't know why I think that is messed up than you have not been listening to the news for the past year.

Maybe I'm grasping at straws in an effort to convince myself I am not a screw up. It's not working. I was watching this year's WSOP telecast on ESPN, and I see that a Canadian guy by the name of Mueller had won two bracelets and cashed for almost a million dollars during the series. I mention this only because I used to play limit hold em with this same guy, in Las Vegas, at the Mirage, back in 2004 and 2005. He is a good player, and I'm sure he has improved over the past 5 years, but I never thought he was a world beater. Now, he's loaded.

I'm happy for him. I'm envious, and a little bitter at the same time. Why can't that be me? It could have easily been me. Maybe it will never be me. If it is never me, never my turn, then that is alright too. I'm happy now. I love my wife, I have two wonderful children, and a bunch of very good friends. If I were to get hit by a bus today I would die feeling happy and content in the knowledge that the people I care most about love me and believe in me.

I just wish I hadn't messed up M's birthday. God, I must be stupid. I'm buying her a drill for her birthday. I know, I know, it sounds like Peter (from Family Guy) buying his wife a bowling ball, but it's not like that at all. M likes to work with wood, and she needs a drill that has a power cord. She's done with anything battery operated as they do not perform well as they age. I think I'll take her out this evening as well. Although, there is a fantastic poker game being put together right now for this evening.... hmmmmm.... I should probably play in it. This is just one more decision that will need to be made. I hope I choose wisely.