Happy New Year!

It is that time again. It's now a new year and with the coming of the new year comes the inevitable New Year Resolution. I think you must capitalize it whenever you write it. It's that important. I've been sitting here considering my past NYR's (New Year Resolutions, since NYR takes fewer key strokes) and am slowly beginning to get a better handle on myself. Maybe I should have left the layers of that onion alone because my eyes are starting to sweat.

How many NYR's have you managed to stay true to? I have not been faithful to many of them. I think the reason I have forgotten most NYR's by about February 15th is because it's really difficult to remain on any diet for more than 6 weeks. My Resolutions are always centered on trimming down the waistline!! I'm not sure why either.

It may be that I am too fat. True enough. I am probably in the government range for obese. But, I can ride a bike, jog a little ways, walk 18 holes of golf, and spend all day in bed (if you get my drift) without too much trouble.

I probably always want to lose weight because fit people are more popular. At least, I believe most people feel that way. Except when it comes to comedy. I haven't laughed at a single episode of Drake and Josh since that goofy kid lost his first 60 pounds. Hey, I have kids, I see things.

So, I probably want to be more popular, and since fit and healthy has been an elusive quarry I will have to find a way to become funnier. Fat and overbearing, not good. Fat and somber, downright distasteful. Fat and nagging is grounds for divorce.

See, the only way to get on in this world, and not be thin, is to be jovial. Come on, you know you laughed your ass off when Chris Farley was trying out for Chippendale's in the dance off against the muscular Patrick Swazey on SNL. I can guarantee you tried not to, but laughed anyway at John Belushi stuffing his face in the cafeteria line in Animal House.

Maybe I can just open a restaurant that serves meals in smaller proportions. It probably wouldn't make it, however. People want HUGE HELPINGS. They want to feel like they are not getting ripped off.

When you pay $7.99 for a Chinese buffet you damn sure are going to have a few extra crab rangoons so you can feel like you didn't get taken. No one wants to pay $7.99 for a plate of rice and vegetables with a cup of miso soup. That would mean we had been suckers.

At my proportions friendly restaurant I'd have to charge too much to make a sufficient profit, and people would feel cheated. The customers wouldn't understand that my 1/4 burger for $4 is better than the 1/2 pounder they would get next door for $6. It'd better for them because it is more in line with USDA recommendations. Both restaurants would have the same overhead. It would fail.

Ok, back to my Resolutions..

How can I be funnier? I could stop talking about politics. Wait, scratch that. I can talk politics but I need to pick on the right people when I do it. Obama is OFF LIMITS! Name calling is out too unless I throw in the word Teabagger.

Alright, I was being ridiculous again. Seriously, I need to make some changes. I have to play more poker, watch less television (except Jersey Shore), learn to beat my son in Halo, learn the two handed golf swing (it's a long story), and write more. Writing is therapeutic, but damned if it isn't time consuming.

Anyone ever hear of that Dragon voice recognition software? Maybe that's the ticket for me. That way I can talk, which I like a lot, and the computer can do the actual writing. I always think of this stuff after Christmas.

I want to lose weight. I'm off bread.

Codsey out.