Napalm in the Morning

I was on my way to play poker this afternoon, and was feeling a bit hungry. I had finally remembered to bring with me the old sales receipt of a trip to Mickey D's that had ended badly. See, I had returned home with the food, on a prior trip, only to discover, much to my horror, that the bag was missing the most important portion of the entire order.

I had ordered one of their new-fangled, 1/3 pound burgers, with bacon and cheese for the expensive amount of $3.99. You understand this is all in relation to the normal price of a McDonald's burger, which should be at about 12 cents, instead normally cost about a dollar. So, 4 bucks is a lot for this food.

Anyhow, the big burger of my dreams was not in the bag when we got home. I naturally called the evil burger empire and a pleasant woman named Mandy told me to bring my receipt, anytime, to get my burger. No problem said I. I was disappointed, and maybe a bit sad that day, but that just meant that today I would be getting a "free" burger.

I pulled into the parking lot and parked along the side of the building. I figured it would make things a lot easier if I just went inside, instead of using the drive through. I jumped out, receipt in hand, and walked inside taking my place in line behind two other folks.

One older gentleman gets his food and kind of meanders off, and now I'm second in line. I was not really paying very close attention to the people in front of me because I was much busier studying the menu. These new burgers look like they have potential. An entire 1/3 of a pound of meat, with bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and onion all on a sesame seed bun. I can't believe I just thought of this while I'm writing, but I should have had them put some of the Big Mac sauce on the burger. That might have made my knees buckle though, and we don't need any of that today.

I step up to explain to the cashier that I have my receipt, see, and I get a burger, see, cause when I came last time.... as I look up at the man. I realize he is about 6'2" tall, brown hair, blue eyes, and a complexion to die for! Let me explain, because I am not into guys, but I am sure this guy is going to be the prettiest man I see all day long. He is that good looking.

As I'm droning on about Mandy telling me to come and pick up my burger he says, with a perfectly straight face, "I'm Mandy". I hesitated, and I must have had a strange look on my face because he quickly laughed and said he was joking.

So, what is odd about this story you might ask? An employee at the Evil Burger Empire actually tried to be funny, and to top it off he actually was funny! When was the last time you met a fast food employee who appeared to be having a good time at work, in a manner that is acceptable to most people dining in the restaurant? This guy had actually tried to make a customer smile.

Well, it worked, and the burger was so good that I think I want to date that guy who served it to me. Since I didn't pay for the food today, and it felt like it was free, I almost feel like I owe the cashier a hand job, or something, because it was sort of like a date. He was good looking, made me laugh, and bought lunch to boot! Want to come in for coffee?

After scarfing down the burger I drove to the poker room. Before I went in I took another look at myself in the mirror. I had cut myself, pretty badly, while shaving this morning. Apparently, when you are careless with a razor that has 5 blades sometimes you can make a good sized cut on your cheek. It hadn't stopped bleeding and I had put a small band-aid on my cheek, under my right eye, but down low on my face, about even with my right nostril.

I was pretty sure, as I walked into the poker room, that people were going to inquire about my injury. Well, I was ready for them. The first person I ran into was another traveling poker player, named affectionately, Creature. He is referred to as Creature because he has very short hair, with no neck, and sort of sits hunched down low at the tables. He looks like a creature, more or less.

Creature said hello and then immediately "What did you do, cut yourself shaving?"

First of all, that was a lucky guess, because I have never seen a cut, such as this, being caused by shaving. Secondly thank you, Creature, for letting me test this first reason out.

"No man, I went to the dentist this morning, and I think the guy was drunk or something because he went to drill my tooth and hit my face!" Badump-Bump. Don't worry, he didn't laugh either. Well, he gave it a half hearted sort of smirk and then moved into "what's been going on, where you been playing, how is it goin, goin out of town soon?" and so on, and so forth.

Another person, a little bit later, asked again. My reply this time was that my son had accidentally shot me with his BB gun. This person believed that one. I let him walk away thinking my son shot me. I wonder if that will have any negative ramifications?

A woman, Nancy, asked and I told her "This is my attempt at impersonating Martin Sheen, ya know, from the movie Apocalypse Now, except that my Martin has a lazy eye that kind of hangs low". Nothing, just a stare. hmmmmmm. Are these not funny? Maybe I'm not as funny as I like to think.

Finally, at the poker table someone asked me and I yelled to them all, while pointing at my face "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET IN MY HOUSE WHEN YOU SPILL PAINT IN THE GARAGE!! DID I STUTTER?"

No one laughed. Come on, no one even gets the reference to "The Breakfast Club"? These guys are weak. Well, maybe it's just my audience. The kid to my right might be 19, and everyone else at the table is over 55. Maybe none of them saw Breakfast Club. Come on... Really?

They all laughed when a guy was chatting aloud about his having 17 skin tags removed from his underarm region. I know, it's not funny yet. It became funny when he was going on about how he should have had his wife remove them, instead of going to the doctor, but that she would not do it. Another guy, at the other end of the table, states "I know of a similar story but it was a ferret, on a guys face." They guffawed quite hard at that one. I laughed too because the use of the ferret was too random to not find funny.

The last one I left them with, in regards to the band aid, went like this. A guy sat down on the opposite end of the table. I had played with him on past occasions. He took one look at me and said "Hey, what happened to your face?". Just point blank. People don't mince words at the poker room.

I replied "My wife threw a knitting needle at me". I wanted to see his reaction. He paused, looked at me, and said "Well, you're lucky then".

This confused me a bit and I asked "Why is that lucky?" as I held both arms out, with my palms turned up to the sky as if to say "What in the hell are you talking about?"

He dryly stated "She could have got your eye!" HAW HAW HAW HAW "And you probably deserved it anyway!!" HAW HAW HAW HAW

Yup, good one sir. It sounds like you enjoyed it. I played for a bit longer and then just got up and left. I didn't correct him or anyone else on the story I told them about my face. I'm wondering how long it takes before someone down there asks me why my wife tried to stab me with her knitting needles.

This whole thing reminds me of something that happened at the County Fair, in my hometown of Lowville, this past week. My wife had taken our nephew to meet his grandmother near one of the entrances. I, my two kids, our friend Meg, and her three kids, were walking together while waiting for Michelle to come back. We wanted to get something to eat. Yes, big surprise, good one.

We come upon someone I had dated in the past, pre-children, when Michelle and I had been split up. She came walking along and stopped suddenly when she saw us. It was starting to rain, and getting kind of uncomfortable, and I didn't really want to stop and talk to her right at that very moment. I mean, I wanted to get out of the rain, and if I had to be a little bit rude, I was going to be.

I said "Hi! You remember Megan, don't you?"

She kind of shook her head and I could sort of tell what she was thinking. So, I went with it. Spur of the moment, not thinking of any consequences, just blurted it right out.

"Yeah, we got hitched a while ago, this is our family!! Well, those three are hers, and these two are mine, but now there ours!" I had a big smile on my face.

She just sort of stared, I looked at Megan and she kind of waved and said "hi" in that quiet, squeaky voice that she has. Megan I love you!!! Meg can sense a good gag as it is developing. I didn't give anyone a chance to say more. I sort of wrapped my arms around everyone and said in a loud, booming voice "well, come on family, let's get some chow". We just walked off. I asked Megan what my ex was doing, and she looked back and said "she's looking at us".

I had to laugh. I cannot wait until I hear about my new wife from someone.

It was a fun day.